Blessed are the Geek

Men are, as everyone knows, all brutes. Their bloodstream's flow with a violence inducing drug called testosterone. They are the war makers, the rapists, and the destroyers of our environment. They also watch too much sports. So it is plain to see that our world can never evolve until men, as we know them, no longer exist. Those of us who protest, who still see maleness as equal to the other gender, simply don't get it.

Hollywood apparently does get it. The male star of today is likely to look more like Leonardo Di Caprio than Clint Eastwood. Slight of build, baby faced, and innocent looking are the star qualities of this generation. Swaggering tough guys need no longer apply. The test of true manhood today is whether Alan Alda can take you two falls out of three; if he can, you might be acceptable.

Or at least tolerated.

To reinforce these ideals, men are portrayed as either maniacal sex fiends, who only take time out from killing in order to rape and pillage, or, alternatively, as bumbling idiots who, after an epiphany, realize that their wife/girlfriend/lesbian neighbor knows best. While accurate, these portrayals are nonetheless insulting.

The feminist rallying cry of today is; If it has tires or testicles . . . you're going to have trouble with it. Male bashing, you see, has become an art form. And funny too.

Recently we have learned that the Navy plans to remove all of the urinals from their aircraft carriers in the Pacific Fleet. It apparently demeans women that men can urinate while standing, whereas women must sit. This, we are told, is a position of superiority - and liberated women won't stand for that.

The venerable old Charles Atlas ads that filled the backs of magazines for decades, you know, the one with the 98 pound weakling having sand kicked in his face until he learns the secret of body building, must now be read from right to left. Which, coincidentally, is the same direction our society is moving.

Now, I have no problem with men becoming more sensitive. As a group, we could stand to be a little more-well rounded. Personally, despite my raging heterosexuality, I enjoy watching figure skating, Broadway show tunes, and cute kittens. I must struggle not to get misty eyed during the last five minutes of Casablanca, and I find it refreshing to watch a movie that does not devote itself to car chases and explosions.

Fortunately, I can still enjoy a baseball game, target shooting, and a decent action flick; so my conversion is yet not complete. Still, I check under my bed each night to ensure that no one has placed a pod under there. These days, it pays to be careful.

While I applaud the inroads made by women in this, up till now, male dominated world, I worry that this pendulum swing has gone too far. Equal pay for equal work? Absolutely. No glass ceiling? That's fine with me. I believe that woman can, and often do, out perform men in nearly every field. I've worked for, and with, many women . . . and liked the experience so much, I actually married one.

But Ladies, all men are not evil. They are just different.

We speak a different language, use a different lobe of our brains for thinking, and despite 10,000 years of evolution, we still believe that white socks go with everything. Along the way, we also managed to, at the urging of women, move from dank squalid caves into bright modern concrete rabbit warrens. And this is real progress.

Think cultural diversity, if it helps. You don't have to understand why men are the way they are (we don't even know. . .), you don't even have to approve of it. But you should, in the interest of tolerance, accept it. Men are like guns. If you don't like them, or are afraid of them . . . don't keep one in the house.

Many women complain that it is hard to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking. The reason is simple. These men already have boyfriends.

I fear, what with the advances being made in genetic engineering, in the future the only acceptable male will be a hybrid, one with the features of a male and a female. And ladies, you really don't want that.

If you think we're trouble now . . . what kind of grief would we cause women if we had a penis and a brain?